TOP TENSDAY: MY TOP TEN FAVORITE BREAKDOWNS

Chug-chug-chug. Chug-chug-chug....

CHUG.  CHUG.  CHUG.

CH-CHUG. CHUG. CHUG.

If you thought this was a frat boy with a stutter performing the song of his people, you may be a normal human being.  If you began to imagine stage dives, mic grabs and spin kicks, you may be or once have been a scene kid.  Metal, hardcore, it doesn't matter.  If you read that intro and imagined a dark room filled with loud music and a humid cloud of sweaty haze heavy enough to cut with a knife; that doesn't smell that much unlike an Italian hoagie I might add, then you are a part of the scene and know about the epicenter of any metal or hardcore song.  The climax of chaos.  The rapture of rhythmic percussion.

The breakdown.

This still exists

Now here's the deal, this list is not definitive anything, hell, this should be a top 30 but I don't have the time or the patience, so without further ado, here's the top ten list!

Honorable Mentions

Captain Puerto Rico aka Caboose aka the Rape Van

Ah yes, the Beyond Dishonor tour van.  What can I say about this big blue beautiful beast it can't say for itself?  On an overnight trip to Buffalo, it broke down on the way there.  It then broke down on the way home.  Yeah, it was an overnight because we had to sleep in this bitch on the shoulder of the highway and wait for the shop to open the next morning.  It's had more breakdowns in her two year life than the Acacia Strain's entire career, speaking of...

Whoa! Shut it Down by the Acacia Strain

The quintessential breakdown.  The breakdown of breakdowns.  I couldn't even include it on the list for the simple reason to leave room for other choices besides the most obvi of the obvi.  With that said, a tip of the hat to the OG.

Stiletto by Symphony In Peril

 Just watch the video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBF2TE_IvHc

 

If there's a list about breakdowns and this isn't included, you're wasting your time. Besides being an awesome ending to an awesome song, kids used to roll up in public places and ask strangers where they could go to find dancing... hardcore dancing.  The rest was internet lulz for years to come.

Bury Your Dead

I wanted to add about 6 Bury Your Dead tracks and even was thinking about putting the entire Beauty and the Breakdown album as a choice, but instead I'll give the ol' tip of the hat to the Boston bruisers.  Cover Your Tracks has some of the most timeless breakdowns and tracks that are still relevant today, especially with the resurgence of hardcore infuse metal that is big in the scene.

Solely Concentrating on the Negative Aspects of Life by Shai Hulud

The band that help me truly respect and love underground metal, the final build in this song is my everything. "Time will be the catalyst to weed out the week," and the mantra that "things will change," will forever stick with me.  As well as this awesome sound byte.

Now again, I can't wait to talk to you about all the ones I missed, but believe me, I KNOW, I'm actually upset I even chose this topic because it's like trying to pick your favorite child if you had hundreds of children,  I digress, onto the list!

10. The Handshake Murderers - Painted Contortionist

This off time, Meshuggah influenced band jumped in and out of the scene quicker than Jesse Owens.  Their debut Usurper had bangers galore, but nothing hit home like the closing break of Painted Cotortionist.  I was lucky enough to see them with The Chariot, A Life Once Lost and the mighty Norma Jean in an evening of psychotic groove audio assault, and nothing was like 300 kids all clawing for the mic to scream, "I'LL RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!"

9. The Tony Danza Tap Dancing Extravaganza - Big Pun's Not Dead I Just Saw Him at the Krispy Kreme

 

"Hello my name is Laquiesha, my grandaddy was a slave, and in my spare time I like to get off roller coasters yelling, 'I CAN'T BREATHE, I CAN'T BREATH.'"  With an intro like that and a band and song title like so, you know you're going to be in for a treat.  It all culminates with creepy high noted guitar fingering over and empty chug pattern and the lyrics, "void this time era."  Fucking heavy.

8. Dead To Fall - Bastard Set of Dreams

With tracks like You've Already Died, Major Rager, and lyrically self aware ("let's end this song with a fucking breakdown") Stupid? my decision for number 8 was tough.  But then I remembered the 50+ man pile up at PhilaFunk Live! for the "a 1,000 open ears and still not a word to say," line, and my choice became easy.

7. August Burns Red - Endorphins

The "don't say another word" line from White Washed?  That awesome lkittle tucked in drum fill from the closing of Back Burner?  I trade them all in for the empowering, "grab the wheel right now and make this life yours" gang chant from Endorphins.  ABR breathed a new life into the scene as true gamechangers, and this was the one that started it all in my opinion.

6. Poison The Well - An Artist Rendering of Me

I COULD

NEVER

SWALLOW YOUR FALSE IDEALS

OF A

LIFELESS

HAPPY ENDING :)

5. Zao - 5 Year Winter

Speaking of passionate lyrics, nothing comes across more heartfelt then a note written to your ex that ends with you burning her alive.  Now was it a metaphor and your belief is that Dan Weyandt meant more burning the bridge that was their relationship when he said "burn it down and walk away"?  So you're saying it's wrong to set your ex-girlfriend on fire?  Well never mind then.

4. Into The Moat - Empty Shell

After I heard this I wanted to start a award ceremony strictly for metal.  This would've won Best Breakdown that year unanimously.  The whole idea of the award show was built around this one category, so I could give it to this song.  This technical powerhouse from Florida was the Dillinger Escape Plan Jr that the scene needed, and the production of the build up of this track was superb.  Preceded by machine gun fire, the guitar and drums mimicked the pattern to create an onslaught of mayhem that was music to my ears.

3. Norma Jean - Creating Something Out Of Nothing Only To Destroy It

For the last minute and a half of this song, you don't have any friends.  Everyone in your surrounding area has come to bring harm to your person.  The final minute and a half of this song will make you lose control of your inhibitions and help prepare yourself to destroy everything in your path.  Luckily, they all have brought a knife to a gun fight :)

And if we're talking mayhem...

2, The Dillinger Escape Plan - 43% Burnt

These were the boys your mother warned you about.  Every live performance of Dillinger has been a life changing experience for me.  I've never seen a band recklessly give 110% and still play some of the most technically complex rhythms I have ever heard.  This is the OG "I'm gonna fuck some shit up" jam.  From the intro when we were told of the approaching stench of a whore that brought him back and then we were asked to present him with a brick, we all knew shit was about to hit the fan.  The last time I saw them in small venue, lead singer Mike grabbed a cymbal from the drum arrangement, walked across the heads in the sea of people, bashing along to the final breakdown.

Mind you this was after he ripped out the duct work while hanging upside down from the ceiling.  These guys are on another level.

1. Every Time I Die - Hot Damn!

I could've picked the "savor it" outro of Off Broadway.  I could've settled with Floater, "drain the lake, you'll find it full of love.  The unmistakable cool factor of the "rock and roll takeover" of Ebolarama.  The lyrical mastery of "when we find you we'll skin you alive, we'll pluck out your eyes and the cannons will roar as march to the capitol dragging your hide" from hit of the Search Party.  Shit, moments before I actually wrote this list I had given it to honestly my favorite part of the whole album, the ending of She's My Rushmore.

The greatest lovers were murderers first.  That line still grabs me by the throat.  But I couldn't, not wouldn't dare choose one over the other.  In a sense of passion, lyrical content, heaviness, rhythmic patterns, and sheer coolness, Hot Damn! as an album is the perfect representation of what I love about breakdowns.

I know there are literal dozens that I could've included that I didn't.  More Shai Hulud, the not too often users of breakdowns like Between the Buried and Me with tracks like Use of a Weapon, Mordecai, Aesthetic, The Primer and the amazing culmination  of White Walls.  Classics like Remembering Never's Incisions or The Red Chord's Dreaming in Dog Years.  I missed the modern classics even with Born of Osiris' Abstract Art and All Shall Perish' No Business To Be Done on a Dead Planet.  Even deathcore favorites of mine Carnifex and one of my all time biggest influences Unearth felt the snub.

Shoot back your responses to my list and some of your favorite tracks you wish had made it!

Reese Dunlap

Purely a Matter of Relevance - WHY ARYA STARK IS THE MOST INTENSE CHARACTER ON GAME OF THRONES

So here we are, a day late and a dollar short. Let's be real, anybody that knows me knows I'll be late to my own funeral. Since I do not confine myself with petty imaginary constructs such as time or their even stricter offspring, deadlines, lets jump directly into this weeks matter of relevance, and what could be more relevant than Game of Thrones!

Why Arya Stark is the Most Intense Character on Game of Thrones

Now if you saw my choice for #2 in last week's Top Tensday's Biggest Celebrity Crushes, you would already know how I feel about the babe-alicious-barely legal-brunette-Bristish-bombshell Masie Williams, but what always amazed me was her on point portrayal of my favorite character in the Song of Ice and Fire universe, Arya Stark.

Now please remember before you write your long winded hate mail about your favorite Game of Thrones character, this is MY irrelevant opinion.  Your opinion is just as irrelevant, so please bicker and banter with me in the comments, but don't lose your minds.

The first time we were introduced to Winterfell, which feels like decades ago at this time, we met young tomboy, Arya age 11, and saw her as a rambunctious little scamp, more likely to play with swords than dolls, and to fight and play than knit and gossip.  I took a liking to the character early on for her black sheepish role within the Stark clan.  Jon, the obvious outcast due to his bastard birth rite, had the strongest bond with her of all the kids, again reflecting her odd man out attitude.  He even gifted her a sword before leaving to join the Night's Watch.

I know a lot of you are thinking, "but Jon fought white walkers," and, "Dany can ride dragons," or even better, "Jaimie has to jerk of left handed," I know, I know, there are a lot of characters that have gone through a lot of changes, but Arya has seen hell and has become a; cold, calculated, cat chasing, water dancing, blind ninja, face shifting assassin in spite of it.

I understand that all of the ASOIAF characters have had their equal amounts of tragedy, but lets look at little 11 year old waifish tomboy Arya has had to deal with:

• Witnessed the death of her friend by the hands of the Hound
• Forced to exile her direwolf, Nymeria
• Witnessed the public execution of her father
• Faced indentured servitude and death of friends
• Bargains to kill, and she herself kills, multiple guards
• Kidnapped by the Brotherhood Without Banners, escapes
• Kidnapped by the Hound, escapes
• Travels the Narrow Sea
• Becomes accepted into a band of face shifting assassins
• Trains, fucks up tremendously
• IS STRICKEN BLIND
• Continues training, BLIND

Arya training to save Hell's Kitchen

***SPOILER ALERT***

For those who have not finished this season.... what is wrong with you?  No, seriously.  If you enjoy Game of Thrones and haven't watched this entire season, stop reading this and go watch it already.

But something they depicted on the show - albeit badass - I don't believe is truly appreciated.  After Arya's sight is returned, she eventually ends up failing to kill her mark and is hunted by her trainer, a deadly killer known only as the Waif.  Luckily she has ascended to Super Stark level 2 and not only kills her, but kills her in total darkness and skins her face and head.

Let me repeat that for those in the back who might not have heard me: SHE SKINS HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD.  Most likely in pitch black darkness as well!  She then sneaks into assassin HQ, the House of Black and White, undetected mind you, and mounts her scalped head on the wall.  Now it's not that just because they only show you the before and after results that I bring this scene back up, I'm not angry for any lack of gore. I just find it necessary to point out that this now 16 year old girl surgically removed the flesh from the entire head of another human being. That is some A1, unfuckwithable makings of a thoroughbred killing machine right there, and I'm not sure if the average viewer really took all of that in. As if that wasn't enough, she returns to Westeros to assassinate 3 men pivotal in the murder of her mother, brother and pregnant sister-in-law. Did I forget to mention she cooked 2 of said men and fed them to the last... their father. Yeah, I'm not fucking with this girl.

Sansa might've finally got one up on Ramsey, Dany might be able to ride her dragons and even Jon can come back from the dead and lead an army to victory, but none of them have developed from an 11 year old lady in training to a combo of Ed Gein, Daredevil and Darkman.  Arya is a force to be reckoned with and she is on a warpath with one thing on her mind, all men must die.  Stab 'em with the pointy end, baby girl, I salute you, and this was purely a matter of relevance.

Mr. Irrelevant

TOP TENSDAY: My Top Ten Celebrity Crushes

Welcome back to another Top Tensday!  It's been a somewhat drama free week on  the interwebz; no public places were terrorized, no privileged white men got awa- ok, I'm sorry.  I know this is a comedy blog mostly but I can't even keep a straight face and trying to type that.  Lets not mince words; you survived another week.  Good for you.  Here's some dumb banter from me to help you through your miserable existence!

We recently lost young actor Anton Yelchin, and it made me think of the celebrity crushes I've had throughout the years.  Not because I have a hard on for car accidents or because I think young Chekov is hot (I mean, he could get it, but that's neither here nor there), but because when I think of Hollywood and cinema, one of my many loves, I think of my other loves; tits and ass.  Lets be real, who doesn't love film and attractive people?  So without further ado, here's this weeks top ten list!

Honorable Mention:

Johnny Depp

If there's going to be a man on this list, you're goddamn right it's gonna be Jack Sparrow,  There should be a captain in there somewhere, and if I'm lucky, it'll be mine.

Claudia from Interview With The Vampire

Let's get this straight, I think Kirsten Dunst is a snaggle tooth hack.  Small moments of brilliance sprinkled through her career like this gem from 1994 is the reason why I picked this character, not the actress.  Now, yes, it is weird that I have a 9 year old girl on this list, but let me explain; I was 9 when I first developed this crush, so please do not call Chris Hansen.  I felt the need to include her because this is one of the earliest crushes I can remember.  If you want to catch a predator, wait until later on in the list so you have some more concrete evidence haha.

10. Jayma Mays

This bubbly little redheaded pixie first stole my heart as Charlie from Heroes, the love interest of Hiro, one of my favorite characters.  She then showed up on Glee and even belted out a cute rendition of "Creature of the Night (Touch-a Me)" in the Rocky Horror episode. (Yes, I watched the first season of Glee, big whoop, wanna fight about it?} I'm a sucker for imperfections, and as pointed out by a friend, I have a thing for girls that have weird mouth ticks or speech impediments as my list will show, and Jayma is no exception.  Bring that sexy lisp over here, girl!

9. Lori Petty

I bet you guys are like, "wait, this skinny broad?"  If you knew how much Tank Girl meant to me in my youth, you may understand.  If you understood how much A League of Their Own meant to me, you may get it.  If you knew what Point Break meant to me growing up, it would all make sense.  From the girl hanging with the wrong sky diving-surfer-bank robbers, to the snot nose younger sister, Kit with the vicious fastball and up to the most bad ass heroine of my childhood next to Aeon Flux, Lori Petty was the right amount of cute, sass and badassness to make young Reese swoon.

8. Alicia Silverstone 

Man oh man.  I don't even know where to begin.  The trilogy of Aerosmith videos (Crazy, Cryin', and Amazin'), her breakout performance as the lovable Valley girl Cher or her phenomenal performance as Batgirl-- ok, I'm sorry, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.  No sir, it was none of these.  Her turn as student turned psychopath in 1993's thriller, The Crush, made my pants feel tight, and I had no idea why.  Do you remember The Crush?

(Pepperidge Farm remembers...)

After a fun romp in Blast From The Past and some other random films no one went to see (I enjoyed Excess Baggage) and a couple of failed TV series, this 90s icon who talks out of the side of her mouth (IT'S SO CUTE) disappeared into obscurity.  First things first, we all know she was the realest.

7. Deborah Ann Woll

JESSICA FUCKING HAMBY.  I begrudgingly kept up with True Blood for 3 reasons; LaFayette, Eric (Alexander Skarsgaard's sexy ass [he could've easily made the list]), and Jessica Hamby.  The long legged redhead baby vamp of Bon Temps kept me tuning in every Sunday for a show that literally was hot trash after the first 2 seasons.  We got an awesome nude scene in the season 3 finale, and after that nada.

Thankfully, she enjoys helping the handicap and now can be seen aiding a religous blind ninja save the Hell's Kitchen section of Manhattan.  You can go anywhere and do anything, but you will always be my Jessica <3

6. Lana Del Rey

The sultry songstress stole my heart ever since I heard her pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola, and I've been dying to find out since.  One of the singers that literally sounds like she is bleeding her alcohol soaked emotions onto each record, Lana evokes such a melancholy yet down for whatever attitude that it makes it hard no to love her

5. Drew Barrymore

Sugar and spice and everything nice.  Goddamn, goddamn, I said goddamn.  What can't be said about this queen of 80s, 90s and 2000s cinema.  From a name of Hollywood royalty, starring in one of the biggest summer blockbusters of all time and a Stephen King adaptation before the age of 10.  In rehab by 15, and working on her first comeback by the early 90s only to reemerge and hit box office gold again in the early 2000s with the Charlie's Angels films, Drew has been the free spirit that Hollywood typically eats up and spits out yet she has stayed relevant spanning over 3 decades.  Even most recently I enjoyed her in the Going The Distance rom com.  She found time in 99 to produce little known indie film Donnie Darko, as well as star in it, and since hence have it blown up to massive proportions via Hot Topic and emo crybabies across the globe. BONUS, she talks kinda funny, and I love that shit hahaha.

And c'mon, she showed her tits to Letterman on national TV, how could you not love this girl?

4. David Bowie

Yes!  Let's make some people feel weird. Now, I can very easily say I am extremely hetero,  My browser history can speak for itself, thank you.  But there is something to the Tall Thin Duke that I can't deny.  David Bowie is strikingly sexually and a very attractive human being.  The reason he made this list, is because straight or not, I cannot deny this golden god's sex appeal.  Many years ago when asked by then girlfriend which celebrity I would have sex with if give the chance, I had no answer.  She quickly responded with Bowie to which I could only smile and say, "shit, I want to have sex with David Bowie.  Sex with David Bowie wouldn't even be sex, you would just drift into a deep trance like sleep filled with magical and euphoric dreams only to wake and see an owl on your window sill with two colored eyes,  He catches your eyes before he flies into the midnight sky and you feel as though you have been graced by an angel.  That's sex with David Bowie."

3. Julia Stiles

This girl right here is the one who caused it all.  I blame her entirely.  Besides being a hard ass, and cute as well in the amazing 10 Things I Hate About You, she then made it ok for younger casted films to have interracial relationships as a main plot point in the early 2000s.  God bless your soul, but not in just the popcorn romance Save The Last Dance, but again in the well written modern adaptation of Othello.  A tip of the hat to you, any to anyone wondering how she's looking these days...

STILL BAD AS FUCK.

2. Maisie Williams

Now before you lose your minds and Chris Hansen comes storming into my house.  She's 19.  It's allllll good, guys.  Ok, now that that's out of the way, lets discuss.  I'm not naive, Maisie, is uniquely good looking (some assholes call that ugly)  but I think she is beautiful.  Far more important than her looks, what makes Maisie one of my biggest crushes is how she truly runs and owns her performance of Arya Stark.  We've watched a young actress from the age of 13 to 18 (in a sense of filming of episodes we've seen) right in front of our eyes.  It gives me the same style of connection people have with Daniel Radcliffe, and Emma Watson, or any of the Harry Potter universe actors.  Those books meant a lot to you, and those films mean something more.  I feel the same with the Song of Ice and Fire novels and Game of Thrones TV series.  Maisie has come a very long way and tackles the role of Arya so perfectly that it blows me away.  Easily my favorite character from the novels, Arya herself has grown from small tomboy into a blind ninja assassin, and Maisie has handled it with such grace and tact that I can't help but just adore every second of screen time she has.

 1. Salma Hayek

Same buddy, same.

Just take me outside and let me die alone in a ditch.  I am living a life trajectory in which I will never have Salma for myself, so there is no sense in living any longer.  This woman is a goddess.  She IS a goddess.  Every second on screen your eyes could not be on anyone but her. And in a positive sense, she's actually a very capable and decent actor.  Her turn as Frida is Academy worthy.  But this is what started it for me.  The early 90s, Rodriguez, Tarantino, Banderas, and miss Queen of the Titty Twister herself, the incomparable Salma Hayek,  I found out what the A-B function was made for on that remote when I was younger.  Ms. Hayek helped make a man out of me, and I will never forget that.  As she gracefully ages throughout the years, from  rom coms like Fools Rush In, that horrible female cowboy movie with Penelope Cruz, and even more recently spreading her wings to be the villain in an Oliver Stone flick, I will always remember the sexy bookstore owner that helped out a down on his mariachi.


There were some obvious ones I was going to include but left off because... Well, because I felt like it.  I don't know, I feel like the crushes I have on other weird talker Emma Stone and the bae of baes Scarlett Johansson are very cliche these days.  I wanted to give you a view into my perverted and distorted mind, not just the surface.  Please comment and tell me about my poor choices and how you think other girls are hotter.  Like and share!

Reese Dunlap

Purely a Matter of Relevance - WE ARE NOT THE SUM OF THE MISTAKES WE HAVE MADE

We are not the sum of the mistakes we have made.

This is something important to remember. This has been a personal mantra for some time now. Every morning as I reach for my night stand to hit the snooze button, I have to remind myself that regardless of the constraints timekeeping has perpetuated onto our existence, I am not less of a person because I will be late to my occupation this morning. As I brush my teeth and can feel the hair of last night's bender on the roof of my mouth, I have to remind myself I am not less of a person because I enjoyed an evening at the bar. As I sit quietly in my train seat and the odor of yesterday's laundry still clinging to my skin creeps into my nostrils, I am not less of a person because I'm going to work in the same clothes I slept in.

These are all basic constructs of our daily routine that without the correct mentality can easily offset your entire week. Preparing myself for another "case of the Mondays," I will don my teflon coat of indifference, rest my helmet of acceptance upon my head and arm myself with rifles loaded with the bullets of understanding that I will fire into the crowd like tear gas into the unruly opposition that stands between me and my goals. But can the riot gear protect me from what hurts most? The sound of doubt echoing through the halls of my mind. The sting of anxiety coursing through my bones. The fire of depression burning deep within the furnace of my belly. What can protect me from what cannot be touched? This is when I remember my mantra. We are not the sum of the mistakes we have made.

In the short period of time I have spent wandering this marble hurling through the amyls of time and space, I have committed more mistakes than I could even recount. Sometimes I feel as though my entire existence has merely been a series of fuck ups with a sprinkling of brilliance dispersed intermittently throughout the years. These moments of weakness, moments of poor judgment, they are not what define me as a person. We don't remember historical figures for their collection of short comings. I pose these questions to the reader. Do you think Dr. Martin Luther King ever walked out of a diner and forgot to tip? Do you think JFK ever drank slightly too much and hit on someone not named Jackie O? Do you think it possible that Abraham Lincoln said a racial slur in his lifetime?

You may be thinking to yourself, "Reese, you can't prove or deny any of these notions.  These are not facts."  Well, sweetheart, I can tell you this; George Washington in fact owned slaves. Malcolm X was in fact a felon. It is a fact Jesus consorted with thieves, whores and lepers. Yet, this is not what we remember these icons for. They will be remembered for the groundbreaking and forward thinking actions they accomplished. I can't say it's a fact, but I can say with some fair certainty that all of these men masturbated at some point in their lives.  Ok, maybe not Jesus, but you get what I'm reaching for here. These men were human, no more human nor less human than you or I are. I ask though, if these masturbating mistake-making men achieved greatness, why can't I? Why can't you?

There's a funny anecdote I like to quote that goes to the tune of, "build a 1,000 bridges and suck one dick and you will forever be remembered as a dick sucker and not a bridge builder." I didn't realize until writing this editorial how incorrect that statement truly was. If that dick was sucked on a level such that exalts you above all other dick suckers, a fellatio to be remembered for all time, then yes, you will be remembered for being a fantastic giver of a blow J. Your mediocre bridges will wither and fade away with the sands of time, crumbling in on themselves.

BULLSHIT.

That dick was a road bump in the ongoing map of your success story. Your bridges will stand tall for years to come, and a hundred years from now, when they speak of the greatest BJ in history, they will speak of the great bridge builder and recount his contributions to the architectural community. You will not be remembered for the mistakes you have made. Don't let your mistakes burden you and stop you from achieving the levels of success you were built for. I plan on making many more mistakes before I depart from this world, as well as I plan being remembered for something far greater than fucking up wasting my youth and squandering my twenties, but then again, this is purely a matter of relevance.

Mr. Irrelevant

TOP TENSDAY - THE TOP TEN CAUSES OF MASS SHOOTINGS & RAPE

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Hell, it's been a rough first half of 2016.  Between the deaths of legends and innovators, the farce that has been the presidential election and gorillas being murdered for taking care of wayward children better than their actual parents, this year has been a cavalcade of tragedies and we haven't reached it's halfway point.

As vocal and opinionated as I might be, I tend to stay away from the hot button topics.  Politics, religion and abortion; the holy trinity of red flags that only the most liberal of social justice warriors and right winged of conservatives shout from atop their social media soapboxes.  Constructed of Google searches and quotes from Joe Rogan podcasts, typo riddled tweets litter our newsfeeds everyday.  I try my best to preach a message of equality and self empowerment without dipping too deeply into these shark infested waters of conversations i  an attempt to not alienate or polarize my beliefs, but in light of the recent uproar of the verdict of the Brock Turner rape charges and the mass murder in the Orlando night club, I can remain silent and impartial no longer.

Welcome to this weeks TOP TENSDAY!

#PRAYFORORLANDO

Firstly, because it is the most recent of national recognition, I must address the shootings.  In my opinion, this is an act of terrorism. Without research, I can safely say my definition of terror is enough of a basis of credentials.  In my eyes, terrorism is an act of violence directed on a group of people for their collected beliefs.  This is in my humble opinion the top ten reasons mass shootings. happen.

10. Mental Illness - Although I may not agree with every agenda of our society, I do believe that anybody that can find the wherewithal in himself to let the hatred of an entire culture drive him to walk into a public setting and open fire onto a group of unsuspecting civilians is a truly troubled individual.  Background checks and gun control reform aside, the evil of a man pushed to this state of madness is the starting point and linchpin of these acts of violence.  Suicide bombings, prisoner execution, any form of violent martyrdom for that matter is doled out by individuals far gone from any sort of social norms.  Mental illness, is not only the beginning of mass shootings, but is the driving force behind any attempt of such despicable acts of violence.

9. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

8, Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

7, Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

6. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

5. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

4. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

3. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

2. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

1. Mental Illness - See Definition Above.

I hope you're sensing my point because I'm laying it on pretty thick. I'm not here to debate the 2nd amendment.  I'm not here to point fingers at Muslims, ISIS or immigrants.  I'm not here to breakdown any conspiracies of how many bullets a standard clip for an assault rifle holds and the unlikelihood of the events.  I'm here to talk about what CAUSES these acts of violence, and I believe people that are deeply disturbed are the true source of such tragic events.

Do I have your attention?  Please save any and all comments and complaints for the end of the ride.  Make sure all compartments are closed and your seat and tray are in the upright positions.  We are prepared for take off into Part 2 of this weeks top ten list!

Brock Turner, 20, Insufferable Douche Bag

Brock Turner.  BROCK FUCKING TURNER.  Not since last years Asshole of the Year recipient, Martin Shkreli (I mean seriously, even his name sounds like a villain from a 90s action movie), have I seen a face more punchable.  This kid looks like he drives his dad's Porsche to the country club, running rampant, high on Adderall, buying grams of oregano from pot dealers and faking that he's high so he can score scene points from the cool kids.  This worthless piece of shit was just handed down a sentence of 6 months in county for being caught digitally raping his victim.  I would've given him 6 years in San Quentin gen pop and let natural selection work itself out, but I digress, onto the top ten list of reasons why rape happens.

10. Rapist -   Rape is caused by the rapist.  A sick and twisted individual who is so mentally inferior that their maladjusted psyche can justify forcing themselves onto an unwilling victim. Men, women, boys and girls all can wear the hat of a rapist.  In any situation where the sexual act is not consensual yet the aggressor chooses to continue without approval can be defined as rape in my eyes.  "They shouldn't have gotten black out drunk." Okay.  "Dressing in such a manner is basically asking for it."  Sure.  "Boys have no control over their hormones." Alright then.  If you believe any of these are valid defenses, or you try to justify rape in any nature I need you to do me a favor; go to your closest and busiest interstate highway, and throw yourself into fucking traffic.

9. Rapist - See Definition Above

 

8. Rapist - See Definition Above.

7. Rapist - See Definition Above.

6. Rapist - See Definition Above.

5. Rapist - See Definition Above.

4. Rapist - See Definition Above.

3. Rapist - See Definition Above.

2. Rapist - See Definition Above.

1. Rapist - See Definition Above.

Rape is caused by rapists, and I can say this as a sex crazed man who has been black out drunk enough times to count if I could actually remember any of those nights.  The difference is that when I bring a girl home, or to the bathroom of whatever random party I'm attending regardless of how belligerently black out drunk I am, I have this little thing I keep with me to help me not rape a woman; it's called a single fucking shred of human decency.

In our prison systems, the whores, thieves, malcontents and murderers view rapists as a subhuman parasite in our society.  Even among the most vile of criminals, they are considered lowlife pieces of shit, and I couldn't agree more.

No political agendas.  No finger pointing, just a small town loud mouth using his unrefined writing skills and minimal popularity as a platform to try and make the world happier one post at a time. Sadly, our world is full of intolerant people willing to go to extreme lengths to remind us how truly wretched the human condition can be.  We cannot naively believe we will put an end to the indifference and hostility as a whole, but if each and everyone of you that this article reaches can help spread a message of love and acceptance, we may be able to brighten our clouded vision of a better tomorrow.  Begin the process of positive reinforcement today.

Reese Dunlap

THE BUTCHER'S BLOCK - TO THOSE THAT DON'T UNDERSTAND (A message on addiction)

To Those That Don’t Understand.

“Get over that shit”

“How can you let a drug ruin your life”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Just kick it”

I hear people say these sorts of things all the time about other people suffering from the DISEASE known as addiction. I can’t help but wonder what in the living fuck is wrong with the people asking and or saying these sorts of things. I get it, some people don’t know what addiction entails. Some people aren’t aware that it IS a DISEASE, So you know what you do when you don’t know about something? You turn to the same fucking thing you use when you have a question about literally ANYTHING ELSE! Google that shit! It’s not hard, I promise you that it is not.. Go ahead, i’ll wait…

So I gave you some time to leave the blog and do some research and now you’re back here. What did you find? Oh, you did all of that reading and you still are not convinced that there’s something wrong mentally with addicts? You think it’s a cry for attention, or they are simply weak of mind, meager of will, low on the ability to fight through it… So let me ask you this then….

Could you go without the coffee you drink HABITUALLY?

Could you quit drinking?

Could you one day walk away from the computer you use to get off on that weird Japanese porn? You know the ones.. And you do it every day at the same time or you get an itch you can’t quite scratch right?

Could you quit shoving your face full of food? No? Why is that? It’s because the food makes you feel good about yourself when no one else can do it for you right? It’s because there’s a sense of stability, a sense of comfort in it right?

Look at what you’re doing from the perspective of an outsider, like you’re doing to the person who’s addicted to pills, to heroin, to crack… You think that what you’re doing is normal compared to them?

We are all ADDICTED to something. We all have this need, this craving. It’s like the infection they all have on the Walking Dead.. It’s inside of us all. The only thing is, some people haven’t had the wires in their brains fucked with.

That’s what it’s like.. It’s like someone went inside your head, inside of your psyche and fucked with the wiring. You’re now in need of whatever it is you’re fixed on and you don’t know why exactly but you know you need it..

So this is for those of you who don’t understand addiction. This is for those of you who judge and make comments before knowing that you yourself, are addicted to something. Stop judging, stop hating those who are struggling with it far worse than the rest of us and if you can’t somehow find it in you to show love and compassion then just leave them the fuck alone.. It’s much simpler than sitting on your phone scouring for the perfect meme about the drug addict next door to you.

Watch the one scene in The Crow where Eric Draven squeezes the morphine from Sarah’s mothers arm.. Tell me you don’t feel something there…

Be a human being and not a monster..

I am The Butcher, and this is my first subject on the Butcher’s Block..

WHO WON THE INTERNET THIS WEEK?

This week, my good buddy Mason Ingling of phenomenal prog rock quartet In The Presence of Wolves shared this gem via Facebook, and you sit, have won the Internet. Supporting your rights to get busy in Burger King bathrooms regardless of what gender. This candidate is our only chance!

HEROIN (An Open Letter to Those That Need to Wake Up)

My brother. You probably didn't know him, but I did.  He was just like most of us, at least at some point in our lives- he looked down on junkies, drunks, and the like. Up until the day he died he worked a good full time job, paid his bills, and fooled us all.

In his 20s he beat alcohol addiction. He wrecked his prized chevy SS pick-up. Black & chrome, badass truck. Hitting the bottom, he schooled up and became a mechanic.

In his 30s he secretly struggled with old injuries from the accident...persevering through the pain and becoming an accomplished Chrysler ASE Master technician. Year after year he gathered accolades, until an ill-fated relationship introduced him to the world of prescription pills.

In his mid 30s he rose above that; he freed himself from that orange-bottled master, and the blonde demon who facilitated his re-addiction.

As he approached 40; his old aches, pains, prescriptions, and ghosts reunited with him..  Somewhere in the mix, the desperation... The demons...they had their way with him and he went up against all that he despised.

One month and 9 days after his 40th birthday, he came home on a Saturday morning from a short time at work. He either snorted or rubbed into his gums some heroin, only thing I know for sure is that he wasn't using for that long and it wasn't intravenously. He laid in his bed, passed out, and died from an adverse reaction to drugs/prescriptions.

He left without saying goodbye; and it wasn't time to go. He had more shit planned. He literally worked up till the end.  I know this because I am his brother.  I was there.  I was always around, but I didn't see it, and I couldn't stop it.

WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE...  Someone you know is probably in the same situation. Just because they're not under a fucking overpass with a needle in their arm, doesn't mean that they're not in line for that shitty fucked up ride.

Chris Dunbar

GUERRILLAS IN THE MIDST OF A REVIEW: DEADPOOL (2016)

Review by Gavin Bard

"Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable."

Like a lot of people, I have to qualify my enjoyment of Deadpool as a comic book - and now movie - hero. Even as a snotty preteen I knew to tune out of superhero comics almost entirely during the Dark N Gritty 90s, but one of the few titles that I kept track of ended up being Cable & Deadpool. Where as every other comic was trying to one up each other with these joyless super serious violence parties, Deadpool was pointing out how awful they all were and pinning absurdity to the tropes that dominated the era and was one of the only things in the entire Marvel roster that could be considered fun at the time. Because of that I always had a soft spot for what eventually became a character with one of the most annoying groups of fanboys in comics.

I always understood why so many of Deadpool's fans were the comic book fan equivalent of an anonymous internet commenter calling someone a feminazi slut at the top of their internet lungs, Deadpool's humor turns the thin line between amusingly sophomoric and unbearably frat boy into barely visible fishing wire. So he ends up attracting just as many people who think Dirty Grandpa only failed because of THE PC POLICE as he does people who want to read a subversive super hero story. That tight rope walk is also why Deadpool's comics can be so hit or miss depending on the team helming them.

So what I'm getting at here is that, as a highfalutin intellectual fan of a medium of entertainment originally created to sell X-Ray Specs to 10 year olds, I like Deadpool despite completely acknowledging the validity of every reason that I shouldn't. I know I should hate him because a chunk of his fans have large collections of Guy Fieri flame shirts, I know I should hate him because the quality of his comics is up and down more than a dirty gas station toilet seat, I know I should hate him for being the lelsorandum meme superhero that was practically begging for product oversaturation between the Minecraft and Grumpy Cat shit at Hot Topic, but despite all that when Deadpool works it is one of the most entertaining aspects of the Marvel universe.
Surprise, the movie is no different.

Everything everybody said about why Deadpool isn't a true shock to the superhero movie formula is right. The general plot of Deadpool - in which he must exact revenge against the people who made him and rescue his girlfriend - is what you would expect from an origin story, although at least it is told in a slightly more narratively unique way for the genre. The comedy is one long dick joke and Deadpool's literally constant riffing means just as many jokes fall flat as land. The X-Men plot line exists only to tie Deadpool back into the Fox franchise and, by doing so, lessens the impact of the movie's own winking and nudging about the nature of the superhero film. All of this is true.

Yet it is still such a fun watch. I'm sure you could attribute that to Ryan Reynolds' destiny to embody the character, but you could say the same thing about Hugh Jackman's Wolverine and that wasn't enough to make Wolverine Origins not awful. Robert Downey's pitch perfect Tony Stark couldn't save Iron Man 2 from borderline mediocrity. Great casting isn't enough to carry a movie so it wasn't the sole reason that Deadpool ends up being the greater sum of its seemingly lesser parts.

I think the reason this ends up being so enjoyable is simply because it represents something different in this genre even if it doesn't take as many chances narratively as it should. Plus it is easy to ignore the shortcomings in a plot when it involves the perpetually underrated Negasonic Teenage Warhead and much deserved open mockery of the Marvel/Fox comic universe. Sure, the X-Men stuff is a little tacked on, but picking the forever moping Negasonic Teenage Warhead and the forever Russian Boy Scout Collosus to be Deadpool's foils from the group. It also doesn't hurt that the action is probably as splatterrific as we are ever going to get in a mainstream superhero movie now that the Punisher is kicking around on Netflix. Hell, it was almost worth the price of admission just to see the look on all the parents who thought it was a good idea to bring their kids when the gratuitous sex scene kicked in
The question is if any of that is enough for you. This isn't a parody or a piece of satire as much as it is just a regular Marvel flick with its constantly regenerating tongue placed right up against its hideously deformed cheek. It is a completely smug movie, but Deadpool knows you know it knows its being smug. As long as you know that Deadpool knows that you know it knows this is some of the most fun you are going to have in a Marvel movie this side of Guardians of the Galaxy 2 or a Great Lakes Avengers film.

WATCH if you want to see a snuff film for fourth walls. DON'T WATCH if you just want to wait for the inevitably better sequel.

Gavin Bard

Light Fantastic

Originally Posted on Letterboxd

TOP TENSDAY - THE MOST AWESOME CARTOONS YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT

Hump day. You're halfway there like the work week is the forest in the riddle that is your life, and your heading for the exit. No gorillas have been shot recently, so I'm hoping I have your undivided attention, and since I have you we might as well introduce GITMO's first Top Tensday.

Let's make it clear that this is not the definitive anything. These aren't the greatest shows in the world. This week's list is just a peek into what was important in my childhood, cartoons that stuck with me throughout the years that always seem to be overlooked in conversation. We all love Animaniacs, everyone remembers Tiny Toons. Chip and Dale, Darkwing Duck, TailSpin, all high marks of our childhood. The classic action of shows like Thundercats and even newer series like Street Sharks and SWAT Kats are always mentioned. We all feel that warmth from the shroud of nostalgia draping over us when these gems are brought up. But what are the best or at least the best of the lesser known animated gems?

Welcome to the first Top Tensday!


Honorable Mention: Wish Kid

Remember when Macauly Caulkin was on top of the world? Somewhere in the space between Home Alone 2 and Richie Rich we were blessed with this fun little show about a child (voiced by Macauly) who caught a falling star with his baseball glove (I can't make this shit up) that could make one wish a day by punching the center of his glove (seriously, I couldn't make this shit up, I wish I did). Imagine a less cheeky or inventive Fairly Odd Parents starring the lead singer of Pizza Underground. Man, the 90s were weird.

Honorable Mention: Bruno the Kid

 Another "kid" show voiced by a celebrity, you say? Why the hell not. A child voiced by Bruce Willis assumes the identity of a secret agent and gets pitted against villains of all sorts, most memorable, a Moroccan gangster that goes by the name of Cous Cous. Yeah, I'm still not making this shit up.

10. Denver the Last Dinosaur

A dinosaur frozen in ice thaws in the late 80's only to don a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and a backwards hat so he could fit in with the kids.  Goddamn, who were these children's parents that didn't realize they were hanging out with a fucking dinosaur?  Also, the theme song, "Denver the last the dinosaur showed me a world I never saw before." Sounds like Denver was a gateway drug, not sure how I feel about that.

9. Fantastic Max

A talking baby, a doll made from blocks, and a stuffed animal that's actually an alien use some sort of magic to turn his baby bottle into a spaceship so they can travel to far off lands. And people wonder why I am the way I am, this is the twisted shit I grew up with.  I remember his big quote was, "dirty diapers!"  I still say that shit to this day

8. Bucky O'Hare

Anthropomorphic bunny is a space traveling freedom fighter with a cast of other animals in his squad.  Imagine a TV show of Star Fox.  It was pretty fucking dope.

7. Pro-Stars

So if talking animals and babies aren't your thing, how about a show where Michael Jackson, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson are secretly a task force that helps save the world?

THE 90s WERE FUCKING WEIRD.

6. Mighty Max

I almost didn't include this one cause mostly everyone remembers this rock solid show.  I honestly don't even remember the origin of his power, but Max has a hat that when turned backwards can open portals to other dimensions.  He also has a wise owl and a Conan the Barbarian looking motherfucker traveling with him.  This show was boss beyond boss. Also, remember in the 90s that if your name was Max you were automatically cooler than everybody?  This show remembers.

5. Bots Masters

Easily the best theme song of any of the shows on the list (see attached video for the hypeness), this show was based in a post apocalyptic future where a teen and his sister created and maintained an army of robots all with their own special talents.  There was a cook, the ninja bot (cause kids love ninjas) and the Sports Boys team among others.  It only got better during the final action sequence of each episode, Ziv Zoolander (yes, that is actually the main protagonist name) would say his catch phrase which would clue all the viewers in to put on their 3D glasses for a 3D animated sequence.

IT'S LASER TIME BOYS!!!

JOKER//APOCALYPSE (The Great Work: A teaching of natural law and sustainability)

Written by @ZeitgeistPhilly

“All you care about is money.” - Joker
“No more false Gods.” - Apocalypse


Let us begin this lesson with an acknowledgement of what the definition of violence is: violence is the initiation of force or coercion, which causes harm; such as assault, theft, rape, or murder.


Recently, Hollywood films have taken to give the “bad guys” the most true to life lines as a way of making it seem like only an insane or evil person would dare to speak such ideas. However, the most intelligent dialog has come from said characters. 

Our current society seems to be dominated by the twin pillar, false god’s of authority and money. Authority is the false assumption that one can override the natural law of "do no harm" and initiate violence. While money is both the coercive carrot and the violent stick, propelling us forward, with the need for gain or the fear of loss.

When combined these two pillars of authority and money become taxation, which is a coercive theft of money by an assumed authority. It can also be combined to create what's known as welfare to give away money from an authority. Generally taxation pays for welfare. Essentially creating a "robbing of Peter to pay Paul". This scenario is profoundly immoral. However the scenario of poverty within the monetary market economic system is equally immoral yet is sanctioned by our society through its continuance of the monetary market economy.

Therefore I suggest the abolishment of both authority and monetary systems, which steer our society. The big question becomes: "How do we do this?"

Transitionally the government could STOP spending money on the military and support the efforts of sustainable education as well as sustainability creation. This would undoubtedly be an answer only for those who still believe that their vote counts and that they can work within the system to change it. Especially considering the government receives loans from the Federal Reserve to pay for virtually everything. The Federal Reserve creates money out of thin air by adding digits into a computer. Most people don’t see how this system enables the false god’s of authority and money in a feedback loop; authority creates money and then money pays for authority(state violence).

“No more systems! No more superpowers.” - Apocalypse
“Don't talk like one of them, you're not!” - Joker

These false god systems define how our society functions. With these loans, Federal Reserve Notes are created out of nothingness. They fund everything from military spending to welfare. Harm and helping. However, the powers that shouldn’t be, refuse to look at our technical capacity to grow beyond these systems. They send young people to die for the theft of foreign resources, while steering our society down a path of environmental oblivion. Meanwhile, we have obvious answers to both imperial violence and resource depletion, in the form of industrial hemp and vertical farms. Five vertical farms the size of Philadelphia’s Comcast building could feed the 250,000 TANF(welfare) recipients in Pennsylvania. Giving away the food for free from these structures, rather than using tax money to pay back the government loans, which pay for welfare, would, overtime, pay for the automation and aero-/hydro-/aqua-ponics and building materials going into vertical farm creation.

Further, hemp creation in vertical farms could provide building materials(hempcrete), clothing, and oil. That oil can be turned into plastics. Those plastics can be feed into 3-D printers, which can create virtually any object required by humanity. From hangers to dishes and from toys to tools. A database could be established to hold the designs of almost any item & then the 3-D printers could manufacture these items from the renewable hemp created by these vertical farms. This has the potential to cripple the “Made in China” label. One day, in the near future, we could even see a retro design modification which would say “Made in China” as a joke, because everything would now be created at local Civil Access Centers, for free. The Vertical Farm Civil Access Centers could be created with water collection on the roofs, solar panels and wind turbines for power as well, to save even more valuable resources and stay within an off-the-grid, fully sustainable paradigm. These structures could provide everything, any human being on the planet could ever require, forever. It would cost a great deal less to create these structures, then to maintain the current American Military Industrial Complex and welfare systems. This would end extreme and relative poverty globally, for less than the military budget of the United States.

“See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” - Joker
“All has been revealed.” - Apocalypse

In conclusion, it is freely offered that nothing here, is a new idea. The 2008 Peter Joseph documentary, Zeitgeist:Addendum, described all of this in greater detail than written here. We as a species have the opportunity to change everything, at any time. The choice is ours. As the great apocalyptic joker, Bill Hicks, once said;

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

Written by Kevin Tilsner of ZeitgeistPhilly