TOP TENSDAY: My Top Ten Celebrity Crushes

Welcome back to another Top Tensday!  It's been a somewhat drama free week on  the interwebz; no public places were terrorized, no privileged white men got awa- ok, I'm sorry.  I know this is a comedy blog mostly but I can't even keep a straight face and trying to type that.  Lets not mince words; you survived another week.  Good for you.  Here's some dumb banter from me to help you through your miserable existence!

We recently lost young actor Anton Yelchin, and it made me think of the celebrity crushes I've had throughout the years.  Not because I have a hard on for car accidents or because I think young Chekov is hot (I mean, he could get it, but that's neither here nor there), but because when I think of Hollywood and cinema, one of my many loves, I think of my other loves; tits and ass.  Lets be real, who doesn't love film and attractive people?  So without further ado, here's this weeks top ten list!

Honorable Mention:

Johnny Depp

If there's going to be a man on this list, you're goddamn right it's gonna be Jack Sparrow,  There should be a captain in there somewhere, and if I'm lucky, it'll be mine.

Claudia from Interview With The Vampire

Let's get this straight, I think Kirsten Dunst is a snaggle tooth hack.  Small moments of brilliance sprinkled through her career like this gem from 1994 is the reason why I picked this character, not the actress.  Now, yes, it is weird that I have a 9 year old girl on this list, but let me explain; I was 9 when I first developed this crush, so please do not call Chris Hansen.  I felt the need to include her because this is one of the earliest crushes I can remember.  If you want to catch a predator, wait until later on in the list so you have some more concrete evidence haha.

10. Jayma Mays

This bubbly little redheaded pixie first stole my heart as Charlie from Heroes, the love interest of Hiro, one of my favorite characters.  She then showed up on Glee and even belted out a cute rendition of "Creature of the Night (Touch-a Me)" in the Rocky Horror episode. (Yes, I watched the first season of Glee, big whoop, wanna fight about it?} I'm a sucker for imperfections, and as pointed out by a friend, I have a thing for girls that have weird mouth ticks or speech impediments as my list will show, and Jayma is no exception.  Bring that sexy lisp over here, girl!

9. Lori Petty

I bet you guys are like, "wait, this skinny broad?"  If you knew how much Tank Girl meant to me in my youth, you may understand.  If you understood how much A League of Their Own meant to me, you may get it.  If you knew what Point Break meant to me growing up, it would all make sense.  From the girl hanging with the wrong sky diving-surfer-bank robbers, to the snot nose younger sister, Kit with the vicious fastball and up to the most bad ass heroine of my childhood next to Aeon Flux, Lori Petty was the right amount of cute, sass and badassness to make young Reese swoon.

8. Alicia Silverstone 

Man oh man.  I don't even know where to begin.  The trilogy of Aerosmith videos (Crazy, Cryin', and Amazin'), her breakout performance as the lovable Valley girl Cher or her phenomenal performance as Batgirl-- ok, I'm sorry, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.  No sir, it was none of these.  Her turn as student turned psychopath in 1993's thriller, The Crush, made my pants feel tight, and I had no idea why.  Do you remember The Crush?

(Pepperidge Farm remembers...)

After a fun romp in Blast From The Past and some other random films no one went to see (I enjoyed Excess Baggage) and a couple of failed TV series, this 90s icon who talks out of the side of her mouth (IT'S SO CUTE) disappeared into obscurity.  First things first, we all know she was the realest.

7. Deborah Ann Woll

JESSICA FUCKING HAMBY.  I begrudgingly kept up with True Blood for 3 reasons; LaFayette, Eric (Alexander Skarsgaard's sexy ass [he could've easily made the list]), and Jessica Hamby.  The long legged redhead baby vamp of Bon Temps kept me tuning in every Sunday for a show that literally was hot trash after the first 2 seasons.  We got an awesome nude scene in the season 3 finale, and after that nada.

Thankfully, she enjoys helping the handicap and now can be seen aiding a religous blind ninja save the Hell's Kitchen section of Manhattan.  You can go anywhere and do anything, but you will always be my Jessica <3

6. Lana Del Rey

The sultry songstress stole my heart ever since I heard her pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola, and I've been dying to find out since.  One of the singers that literally sounds like she is bleeding her alcohol soaked emotions onto each record, Lana evokes such a melancholy yet down for whatever attitude that it makes it hard no to love her

5. Drew Barrymore

Sugar and spice and everything nice.  Goddamn, goddamn, I said goddamn.  What can't be said about this queen of 80s, 90s and 2000s cinema.  From a name of Hollywood royalty, starring in one of the biggest summer blockbusters of all time and a Stephen King adaptation before the age of 10.  In rehab by 15, and working on her first comeback by the early 90s only to reemerge and hit box office gold again in the early 2000s with the Charlie's Angels films, Drew has been the free spirit that Hollywood typically eats up and spits out yet she has stayed relevant spanning over 3 decades.  Even most recently I enjoyed her in the Going The Distance rom com.  She found time in 99 to produce little known indie film Donnie Darko, as well as star in it, and since hence have it blown up to massive proportions via Hot Topic and emo crybabies across the globe. BONUS, she talks kinda funny, and I love that shit hahaha.

And c'mon, she showed her tits to Letterman on national TV, how could you not love this girl?

4. David Bowie

Yes!  Let's make some people feel weird. Now, I can very easily say I am extremely hetero,  My browser history can speak for itself, thank you.  But there is something to the Tall Thin Duke that I can't deny.  David Bowie is strikingly sexually and a very attractive human being.  The reason he made this list, is because straight or not, I cannot deny this golden god's sex appeal.  Many years ago when asked by then girlfriend which celebrity I would have sex with if give the chance, I had no answer.  She quickly responded with Bowie to which I could only smile and say, "shit, I want to have sex with David Bowie.  Sex with David Bowie wouldn't even be sex, you would just drift into a deep trance like sleep filled with magical and euphoric dreams only to wake and see an owl on your window sill with two colored eyes,  He catches your eyes before he flies into the midnight sky and you feel as though you have been graced by an angel.  That's sex with David Bowie."

3. Julia Stiles

This girl right here is the one who caused it all.  I blame her entirely.  Besides being a hard ass, and cute as well in the amazing 10 Things I Hate About You, she then made it ok for younger casted films to have interracial relationships as a main plot point in the early 2000s.  God bless your soul, but not in just the popcorn romance Save The Last Dance, but again in the well written modern adaptation of Othello.  A tip of the hat to you, any to anyone wondering how she's looking these days...

STILL BAD AS FUCK.

2. Maisie Williams

Now before you lose your minds and Chris Hansen comes storming into my house.  She's 19.  It's allllll good, guys.  Ok, now that that's out of the way, lets discuss.  I'm not naive, Maisie, is uniquely good looking (some assholes call that ugly)  but I think she is beautiful.  Far more important than her looks, what makes Maisie one of my biggest crushes is how she truly runs and owns her performance of Arya Stark.  We've watched a young actress from the age of 13 to 18 (in a sense of filming of episodes we've seen) right in front of our eyes.  It gives me the same style of connection people have with Daniel Radcliffe, and Emma Watson, or any of the Harry Potter universe actors.  Those books meant a lot to you, and those films mean something more.  I feel the same with the Song of Ice and Fire novels and Game of Thrones TV series.  Maisie has come a very long way and tackles the role of Arya so perfectly that it blows me away.  Easily my favorite character from the novels, Arya herself has grown from small tomboy into a blind ninja assassin, and Maisie has handled it with such grace and tact that I can't help but just adore every second of screen time she has.

 1. Salma Hayek

Same buddy, same.

Just take me outside and let me die alone in a ditch.  I am living a life trajectory in which I will never have Salma for myself, so there is no sense in living any longer.  This woman is a goddess.  She IS a goddess.  Every second on screen your eyes could not be on anyone but her. And in a positive sense, she's actually a very capable and decent actor.  Her turn as Frida is Academy worthy.  But this is what started it for me.  The early 90s, Rodriguez, Tarantino, Banderas, and miss Queen of the Titty Twister herself, the incomparable Salma Hayek,  I found out what the A-B function was made for on that remote when I was younger.  Ms. Hayek helped make a man out of me, and I will never forget that.  As she gracefully ages throughout the years, from  rom coms like Fools Rush In, that horrible female cowboy movie with Penelope Cruz, and even more recently spreading her wings to be the villain in an Oliver Stone flick, I will always remember the sexy bookstore owner that helped out a down on his mariachi.


There were some obvious ones I was going to include but left off because... Well, because I felt like it.  I don't know, I feel like the crushes I have on other weird talker Emma Stone and the bae of baes Scarlett Johansson are very cliche these days.  I wanted to give you a view into my perverted and distorted mind, not just the surface.  Please comment and tell me about my poor choices and how you think other girls are hotter.  Like and share!

Reese Dunlap