Saturday, June 11, 2016

WHO WON THE INTERNET THIS WEEK?



This week, my good buddy Mason Ingling of phenomenal prog rock quartet In The Presence of Wolves shared this gem via Facebook, and you sit, have won the Internet. Supporting your rights to get busy in Burger King bathrooms regardless of what gender. This candidate is our only chance!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

HEROIN (An Open Letter to Those That Need to Wake Up)

My brother. You probably didn't know him, but I did.  He was just like most of us, at least at some point in our lives- he looked down on junkies, drunks, and the like. Up until the day he died he worked a good full time job, paid his bills, and fooled us all.

In his 20s he beat alcohol addiction. He wrecked his prized chevy SS pick-up. Black & chrome, badass truck. Hitting the bottom, he schooled up and became a mechanic.

In his 30s he secretly struggled with old injuries from the accident...persevering through the pain and becoming an accomplished Chrysler ASE Master technician. Year after year he gathered accolades, until an ill-fated relationship introduced him to the world of prescription pills.

In his mid 30s he rose above that; he freed himself from that orange-bottled master, and the blonde demon who facilitated his re-addiction.

As he approached 40; his old aches, pains, prescriptions, and ghosts reunited with him..  Somewhere in the mix, the desperation... The demons...they had their way with him and he went up against all that he despised.

One month and 9 days after his 40th birthday, he came home on a Saturday morning from a short time at work. He either snorted or rubbed into his gums some heroin, only thing I know for sure is that he wasn't using for that long and it wasn't intravenously. He laid in his bed, passed out, and died from an adverse reaction to drugs/prescriptions.

He left without saying goodbye; and it wasn't time to go. He had more shit planned. He literally worked up till the end.  I know this because I am his brother.  I was there.  I was always around, but I didn't see it, and I couldn't stop it.

WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE...  Someone you know is probably in the same situation. Just because they're not under a fucking overpass with a needle in their arm, doesn't mean that they're not in line for that shitty fucked up ride.

Chris Dunbar

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

GUERRILLAS IN THE MIDST OF A REVIEW: DEADPOOL (2016)

Review by Gavin Bard

"Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable."

Like a lot of people, I have to qualify my enjoyment of Deadpool as a comic book - and now movie - hero. Even as a snotty preteen I knew to tune out of superhero comics almost entirely during the Dark N Gritty 90s, but one of the few titles that I kept track of ended up being Cable & Deadpool. Where as every other comic was trying to one up each other with these joyless super serious violence parties, Deadpool was pointing out how awful they all were and pinning absurdity to the tropes that dominated the era and was one of the only things in the entire Marvel roster that could be considered fun at the time. Because of that I always had a soft spot for what eventually became a character with one of the most annoying groups of fanboys in comics.

I always understood why so many of Deadpool's fans were the comic book fan equivalent of an anonymous internet commenter calling someone a feminazi slut at the top of their internet lungs, Deadpool's humor turns the thin line between amusingly sophomoric and unbearably frat boy into barely visible fishing wire. So he ends up attracting just as many people who think Dirty Grandpa only failed because of THE PC POLICE as he does people who want to read a subversive super hero story. That tight rope walk is also why Deadpool's comics can be so hit or miss depending on the team helming them.

So what I'm getting at here is that, as a highfalutin intellectual fan of a medium of entertainment originally created to sell X-Ray Specs to 10 year olds, I like Deadpool despite completely acknowledging the validity of every reason that I shouldn't. I know I should hate him because a chunk of his fans have large collections of Guy Fieri flame shirts, I know I should hate him because the quality of his comics is up and down more than a dirty gas station toilet seat, I know I should hate him for being the lelsorandum meme superhero that was practically begging for product oversaturation between the Minecraft and Grumpy Cat shit at Hot Topic, but despite all that when Deadpool works it is one of the most entertaining aspects of the Marvel universe.
Surprise, the movie is no different.

Everything everybody said about why Deadpool isn't a true shock to the superhero movie formula is right. The general plot of Deadpool - in which he must exact revenge against the people who made him and rescue his girlfriend - is what you would expect from an origin story, although at least it is told in a slightly more narratively unique way for the genre. The comedy is one long dick joke and Deadpool's literally constant riffing means just as many jokes fall flat as land. The X-Men plot line exists only to tie Deadpool back into the Fox franchise and, by doing so, lessens the impact of the movie's own winking and nudging about the nature of the superhero film. All of this is true.

Yet it is still such a fun watch. I'm sure you could attribute that to Ryan Reynolds' destiny to embody the character, but you could say the same thing about Hugh Jackman's Wolverine and that wasn't enough to make Wolverine Origins not awful. Robert Downey's pitch perfect Tony Stark couldn't save Iron Man 2 from borderline mediocrity. Great casting isn't enough to carry a movie so it wasn't the sole reason that Deadpool ends up being the greater sum of its seemingly lesser parts.

I think the reason this ends up being so enjoyable is simply because it represents something different in this genre even if it doesn't take as many chances narratively as it should. Plus it is easy to ignore the shortcomings in a plot when it involves the perpetually underrated Negasonic Teenage Warhead and much deserved open mockery of the Marvel/Fox comic universe. Sure, the X-Men stuff is a little tacked on, but picking the forever moping Negasonic Teenage Warhead and the forever Russian Boy Scout Collosus to be Deadpool's foils from the group. It also doesn't hurt that the action is probably as splatterrific as we are ever going to get in a mainstream superhero movie now that the Punisher is kicking around on Netflix. Hell, it was almost worth the price of admission just to see the look on all the parents who thought it was a good idea to bring their kids when the gratuitous sex scene kicked in
The question is if any of that is enough for you. This isn't a parody or a piece of satire as much as it is just a regular Marvel flick with its constantly regenerating tongue placed right up against its hideously deformed cheek. It is a completely smug movie, but Deadpool knows you know it knows its being smug. As long as you know that Deadpool knows that you know it knows this is some of the most fun you are going to have in a Marvel movie this side of Guardians of the Galaxy 2 or a Great Lakes Avengers film.

WATCH if you want to see a snuff film for fourth walls. DON'T WATCH if you just want to wait for the inevitably better sequel.

Gavin Bard
Light Fantastic

TOP TENSDAY - THE MOST AWESOME CARTOONS YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT

Hump day. You're halfway there like the work week is the forest in the riddle that is your life, and your heading for the exit. No gorillas have been shot recently, so I'm hoping I have your undivided attention, and since I have you we might as well introduce GITMO's first Top Tensday.

Let's make it clear that this is not the definitive anything. These aren't the greatest shows in the world. This week's list is just a peek into what was important in my childhood, cartoons that stuck with me throughout the years that always seem to be overlooked in conversation. We all love Animaniacs, everyone remembers Tiny Toons. Chip and Dale, Darkwing Duck, TailSpin, all high marks of our childhood. The classic action of shows like Thundercats and even newer series like Street Sharks and SWAT Kats are always mentioned. We all feel that warmth from the shroud of nostalgia draping over us when these gems are brought up. But what are the best or at least the best of the lesser known animated gems?

Welcome to the first Top Tensday!


Honorable Mention: Wish Kid


Remember when Macauly Caulkin was on top of the world? Somewhere in the space between Home Alone 2 and Richie Rich we were blessed with this fun little show about a child (voiced by Macauly) who caught a falling star with his baseball glove (I can't make this shit up) that could make one wish a day by punching the center of his glove (seriously, I couldn't make this shit up, I wish I did). Imagine a less cheeky or inventive Fairly Odd Parents starring the lead singer of Pizza Underground. Man, the 90s were weird.

Honorable Mention: Bruno the Kid



 Another "kid" show voiced by a celebrity, you say? Why the hell not. A child voiced by Bruce Willis assumes the identity of a secret agent and gets pitted against villains of all sorts, most memorable, a Moroccan gangster that goes by the name of Cous Cous. Yeah, I'm still not making this shit up.

10. Denver the Last Dinosaur



A dinosaur frozen in ice thaws in the late 80's only to don a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and a backwards hat so he could fit in with the kids.  Goddamn, who were these children's parents that didn't realize they were hanging out with a fucking dinosaur?  Also, the theme song, "Denver the last the dinosaur showed me a world I never saw before." Sounds like Denver was a gateway drug, not sure how I feel about that.

9. Fantastic Max


A talking baby, a doll made from blocks, and a stuffed animal that's actually an alien use some sort of magic to turn his baby bottle into a spaceship so they can travel to far off lands. And people wonder why I am the way I am, this is the twisted shit I grew up with.  I remember his big quote was, "dirty diapers!"  I still say that shit to this day

8. Bucky O'Hare

Anthropomorphic bunny is a space traveling freedom fighter with a cast of other animals in his squad.  Imagine a TV show of Star Fox.  It was pretty fucking dope.

7. Pro-Stars

So if talking animals and babies aren't your thing, how about a show where Michael Jackson, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson are secretly a task force that helps save the world?

THE 90s WERE FUCKING WEIRD.

6. Mighty Max


I almost didn't include this one cause mostly everyone remembers this rock solid show.  I honestly don't even remember the origin of his power, but Max has a hat that when turned backwards can open portals to other dimensions.  He also has a wise owl and a Conan the Barbarian looking motherfucker traveling with him.  This show was boss beyond boss. Also, remember in the 90s that if your name was Max you were automatically cooler than everybody?  This show remembers.

5. Bots Masters


Easily the best theme song of any of the shows on the list (see attached video for the hypeness), this show was based in a post apocalyptic future where a teen and his sister created and maintained an army of robots all with their own special talents.  There was a cook, the ninja bot (cause kids love ninjas) and the Sports Boys team among others.  It only got better during the final action sequence of each episode, Ziv Zoolander (yes, that is actually the main protagonist name) would say his catch phrase which would clue all the viewers in to put on their 3D glasses for a 3D animated sequence.

IT'S LASER TIME BOYS!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

JOKER//APOCALYPSE (The Great Work: A teaching of natural law and sustainability)

Written by @ZeitgeistPhilly

“All you care about is money.” - Joker
“No more false Gods.” - Apocalypse



Let us begin this lesson with an acknowledgement of what the definition of violence is: violence is the initiation of force or coercion, which causes harm; such as assault, theft, rape, or murder.


Recently, Hollywood films have taken to give the “bad guys” the most true to life lines as a way of making it seem like only an insane or evil person would dare to speak such ideas. However, the most intelligent dialog has come from said characters. 

Our current society seems to be dominated by the twin pillar, false god’s of authority and money. Authority is the false assumption that one can override the natural law of "do no harm" and initiate violence. While money is both the coercive carrot and the violent stick, propelling us forward, with the need for gain or the fear of loss.

When combined these two pillars of authority and money become taxation, which is a coercive theft of money by an assumed authority. It can also be combined to create what's known as welfare to give away money from an authority. Generally taxation pays for welfare. Essentially creating a "robbing of Peter to pay Paul". This scenario is profoundly immoral. However the scenario of poverty within the monetary market economic system is equally immoral yet is sanctioned by our society through its continuance of the monetary market economy.

Therefore I suggest the abolishment of both authority and monetary systems, which steer our society. The big question becomes: "How do we do this?"

Transitionally the government could STOP spending money on the military and support the efforts of sustainable education as well as sustainability creation. This would undoubtedly be an answer only for those who still believe that their vote counts and that they can work within the system to change it. Especially considering the government receives loans from the Federal Reserve to pay for virtually everything. The Federal Reserve creates money out of thin air by adding digits into a computer. Most people don’t see how this system enables the false god’s of authority and money in a feedback loop; authority creates money and then money pays for authority(state violence).

“No more systems! No more superpowers.” - Apocalypse
“Don't talk like one of them, you're not!” - Joker

These false god systems define how our society functions. With these loans, Federal Reserve Notes are created out of nothingness. They fund everything from military spending to welfare. Harm and helping. However, the powers that shouldn’t be, refuse to look at our technical capacity to grow beyond these systems. They send young people to die for the theft of foreign resources, while steering our society down a path of environmental oblivion. Meanwhile, we have obvious answers to both imperial violence and resource depletion, in the form of industrial hemp and vertical farms. Five vertical farms the size of Philadelphia’s Comcast building could feed the 250,000 TANF(welfare) recipients in Pennsylvania. Giving away the food for free from these structures, rather than using tax money to pay back the government loans, which pay for welfare, would, overtime, pay for the automation and aero-/hydro-/aqua-ponics and building materials going into vertical farm creation.

Further, hemp creation in vertical farms could provide building materials(hempcrete), clothing, and oil. That oil can be turned into plastics. Those plastics can be feed into 3-D printers, which can create virtually any object required by humanity. From hangers to dishes and from toys to tools. A database could be established to hold the designs of almost any item & then the 3-D printers could manufacture these items from the renewable hemp created by these vertical farms. This has the potential to cripple the “Made in China” label. One day, in the near future, we could even see a retro design modification which would say “Made in China” as a joke, because everything would now be created at local Civil Access Centers, for free. The Vertical Farm Civil Access Centers could be created with water collection on the roofs, solar panels and wind turbines for power as well, to save even more valuable resources and stay within an off-the-grid, fully sustainable paradigm. These structures could provide everything, any human being on the planet could ever require, forever. It would cost a great deal less to create these structures, then to maintain the current American Military Industrial Complex and welfare systems. This would end extreme and relative poverty globally, for less than the military budget of the United States.

“See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” - Joker
“All has been revealed.” - Apocalypse

In conclusion, it is freely offered that nothing here, is a new idea. The 2008 Peter Joseph documentary, Zeitgeist:Addendum, described all of this in greater detail than written here. We as a species have the opportunity to change everything, at any time. The choice is ours. As the great apocalyptic joker, Bill Hicks, once said;

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

Written by Kevin Tilsner of ZeitgeistPhilly

Monday, June 6, 2016

PURELY A MATTER OF RELEVANCE - MONDAY IS PURELY A MATTER OF RELATIVITY

The weekend has come to a close. You've enjoyed what little free time you had from the moment you escaped your 9-5 Friday afternoon, all the way through watching your favorite Sunday night TV programming. For the folks that work weekends, Saturday and Sunday are just another notch in your ongoing saga of mundane, and for that I apologize. Yet still I can imagine even you are affected by the banality of the dreaded Monday morning. You have the entire work week in front of you and the weight of it all seems to be an unbearable burden that you will not escape until the illusive Friday comes barreling around the corner. You've transformed your Tuesday, made it up and over the hump of Wednesday, threw back beers while Instagramming your throwbacks on Thirsty Thursday, and now, thank god; IT'S FRIDAY.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Sound familiar? I know you have all seen the meme boasting that your life is meant to be more than just paying bills and death. Which although it sounds like great advice, it's not necessarily true.

Let me explain.

If your hobbies include watching TV, playing video games, and mostly spending your time not leaving your home, that is the life you have crafted for yourself. If you have a job that you rely on to pay your bills, pay for your extracurricular activities, and have a little something left to save, you have designed a lifestyle that balances itself on you paying your bills and waiting for the icy grip of death to slip around your vital signs. This does not mean that your life cannot contain more, but please don't act surprised that your boredom has become just as much a part of your life as your daily grind is.

Life, reality, and existence in general is all based on perspective. Everything we do, everything we see, touch, smell and taste is all based upon our own personal perception. This takes us back to our point; Monday is purely a matter of relativity. Scientists worldwide have proven time and time again that the particles that make up all matter on this earth, react differently when perceived against when not perceived.  

Now to blow your brains clear out of your skull, imagine with me for a moment: If the whole of the world is simply based on whether or not it is perceived or documented, the microcosm that is your own existence is built upon the foundation of your own personal perception. You hold the keys to your own life. You are behind the wheel of the vehicle that is driving you from birth to death. It is your choice to perceive the signs and activity on the road as you see fit.

Don't let the social construct that Monday will be the drab beginning of your week, control who you are as a person.

Yes, Monday is the beginning of most of our work weeks. Yes, that thought alone is enough to bring some to tears. This is your choice. Not the choice of your god, your beliefs, your boss or your schedule. Like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple says, the choice is yours and yours alone. If pleasant music can change the growth pattern of your plants, if positive thoughts directed on water cells can alter the shape of the ice it will become in it's physical form, you have the ability within you to change your depressing outlook to the beginning of the week into whatever your mind desires.

This is not an advice column, I do not have answers for life's mysteries and I certainly don't believe I am any smarter than any of my readers, but I do know I have an opinion on how you may be able to begin your week with a greater outlook than just having "another case of the Mondays.". Then again, this is only a matter of relevance.


Mr. Irrelevant

PURELY A MATTER OF RELEVANCE - PURELY AN INTRODUCTION



Purely a Matter of Relevance

Monday's will never be the same. Check in every week for a lesson in a relevance. 

Purely an Introduction

It is widely believed that the written medium is dead. Good. Nothing seems to have any true worth or value until long after its death anyway. Even in the short game, the best you can hope for upon reaching the great beyond is possibly a TMZ article written by someone whose opinion is as irrelevant as yours and hopefully a 30 second BuzzFeed video compiling the highlights of your existence. All for what; you ask? To be shared by that kid who doesn't actually post anything meaningful to your newsfeed, just sharing skateboard videos and throwback hip-hop music videos for nostalgic purposes. Someone will talk about how much they loved you in that one thing that you did 20 years ago. Someone will most likely share YouTube videos of your most notable work.  Those certain hipsters will discuss obscurities of your career and their disdain of all the "posers" who only recently become fans because it's the cool thing to do. If you were popular enough you'll even garner the hatred of some maladjusted individuals stating how they don't care if you died, and can't understand why others would waste their time caring.

You made it. You worked your entire life honing your craft to present to the world at large only to die, alone I might add, so some 27 year old suburbanite in a sub par slam band can drag your name and image through the mud to get ironic likes and start beef in his comments thread. If you were important enough, this may last, umm, maybe 2-3 weeks before: someone more important dies, Bey randomly drops a new album, a major sports championship, the new Kendrick untitled live performance hits or some poorly structured meme banishes you to the realm of irrelevance.

This is perfect. This is my realm, a safe zone where I feel most comfortable. The strenuous nature it is to create art that you could only pray someone gives two shits about is enough to drive a man to drink...heavily. Knowing I can venture into an already deceased medium, it relieves the pressure of giving a shit about if you actually like any of the nonsense I have to say or not. I stated earlier, and this is something that I don't even believe in, I LIVE BY IT; my opinion is as irrelevant as yours, or anyone's for that matter. It's as irrelevant as these VICE journalists, these YouTubers, the social justice warriors and political fire-starters, even the FOX news reporters, the comedic minds behind the Daily Show and Real Time with Bill Maher.  Facts or fabrications aside, none of your opinions are more relevant than mine. You, yes you, your opinion means shit.

Hard pill to swallow? Let me elaborate. Many of you are experts in your own rights. Degrees, diplomas, certificates, lessons learned in the "school of hard knocks," you, the reader, possess knowledge that is worth sharing. There are stories within us all that are meant to be cascaded forth into the world, but reserve the fact that your opinion has as much merit to the reader as they choose fit to accept it. The quicker you can come to terms with this information, the easier it will be for you to dive headfirst into whatever venture your heart desires.

I'm not sharing this with you to belittle your Facebook soapbox, nor to knock the reader down any pegs. This, boys and girls, is your introduction. I enjoy words, always have, and I intend to continue my love for words by sharing them with the world until someone stops me by force, or I pass on from this plane of existence. The written art form is dead, and I posthumously present to you an exposition that is purely a matter of relevance.


Mr. Irrelevant